Bizarre Love Triangle
by Aingeal Isilme
Summary: A songfic. Kenshin finally admits to himself that he cares for Kaoru but his inner struggle still rages.


**Bizarre Love Triangle  
**  
(Song by Frente)  
  


~

  
*Music starts*  
  
It's a warm summer day. Kenshin is squatting in the courtyard of the dojo, a wash bucket before him. A line of freshly-laundered clothes hang overhead, dancing in the breeze. After pinning up the last garment, Kenshin settles down again to rest. He gazes absently at the basin, his thoughts drifting. An image of a slight girl with ebony locks and gentian blue eyes seems to appear on the still surface of the water. Kaoru.  
  
_Everytime I think of you,  
A shot goes through me like a bolt of blue_  
  
He smiles at the image, and reaches out to touch the lovely face. But as soon as his fingertip breaks the surface, it vanishes in a series of waves. Kenshin's gentle smile fades. The ripples subside. Instead of Kaoru, he sees his own reflection staring back at him.  
  
_And it's no problem of mine,  
But it's a problem I find,  
Living the life that I can't leave behind._  
  
The long red hair, framing his small face, as red as blood. The cross-scar etched into his cheek like a brand. *Kenshin traces the scar with a sword- calloused finger.* It is indeed a brand, marking him for life. A constant remainder of his violent hitokiri past.   
  
The violet eyes grow dark. How could he even think himself worthy of Kaoru? He was an ex-assassin, stained by the blood of hundreds. She was as innocent and pure as virgin snow. He would not mar her with his filth. He could not, must not, let himself fall in love with her. But it was to late, for he already had.   
  
"Why hold back?" the Rurouni asks Kenshin. "She loves you as much as you do her. Do not deny yourself happiness by mourning over the past. That is all behind you; live for today. If Kaoru-dono can accept your past, why can't you?" The words give Kenshin hope, and his face brightens.   
_  
There's no point in telling me;  
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free_  
  
A low, familiar voice growls from the depths of his mind. "You're a fool if you believe that, Himura Kenshin. A poor deluded fool," the Battousai sneers. "No matter how long you try to atone for your sins, you can never bring the dead back to life. You will still be a murderer. You will always be a murderer."  
  
Kenshin closes his eyes, his jaw clenched. He tries in vain to shut out the taunting voice. Yet, no matter how much he hates it, no matter how much he tries to deny it, he knows that it speaks the truth.  
  
_That's the way it goes,  
And that's what nobody knows_  
  
The wooden gate swings open. The light pitter-patter of Ayame and Suzume's footsteps is heard. Kenshin automatically assumes his cheerful Rurouni persona, as the little girls latch on to him. They happily chatter and play with Kenshin, unaware of the dark thoughts swirling in his bright head.  
  
_And everyday my confusion grows.  
_  
*The camera zooms in to his face, until one violet eye fills the screen.* The internal struggle is visible, contrasting sharply with the laughing faces of Ayame and Suzume which are reflected in it. Kenshin closes his eyes again. When the lid is raised, the eye shown is Kaoru's.  
  
**~Chorus:~**  
_  
Everytime I see you falling,  
I get down on my knees and pray;_  
  
Kenshin's fight with Saito is reflected in the deep blue iris. *The camera zooms out, until a full length shot of Kaoru is seen.* Her fear is evident from the tightly clenched fists and the anxious expression on her pale face. She fears not only for Kenshin's safety, but that he will descend into the hitokiri again, forever.   
  
_Waiting for the final moment,  
You say the words that I can't say.  
_  
The backdrop grows unfocused and fades. It reforms as the doorway of Hiko's hut. Kaoru stands in the doorway. She has come all the way from Kyoto to see Kenshin again. There is so much she wants to tell him. But when at last they stand face-to-face, she can do nothing but gaze at him lovingly.   
  
The background fades again, now replaced by the Kamiya Dojo. Kaoru is standing on the veranda behind Kenshin, watching him.  
  
**~End chorus~  
**  
_I feel fine and I feel good;_  
  
Though at first his joviality was forced, Kenshin soon finds himself genuinely enjoying himself.  
  
_I feel like I never should_  
  
He instantly feels a pang of guilt. He does not deserve to be happy, after all he has done.   
  
Kenshin senses someone observing him. He turns around and sees Kaoru, concern shining in her eyes. He is struck by a stab of guilt at what he is about to do.  
  
_Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say;  
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday._  
  
He wants to tell her what is on his mind. He wants to share all his burdens and all his dreams with her. But he can't. Not now, not yet. So he just smiles, hating himself all the while for hurting and worrying her.   
  
_I'm not sure what this could mean,  
Kaoru knows that Kenshin is hiding something from her again.  
I don't think you're what you seem_  
  
She can tell that the bumbling Rurouni face he presents to the world is just a mask. She knew it from the moment she saw him, all those months ago.  
  
_And I promised myself, if I hurt someone else,  
We'll never see what we were meant to be.  
_  
He pretends not to see the unspoken question in her eyes. Kenshin turns back to the girls. He does not trust himself to look at Kaoru a moment longer. For he knows if he does, that he will not be able to turn away from her ever again. And that must not happen.  
  
As long as he was around, Kaoru would always be in danger. Not only her, but Sano, Megumi, Yahiko; all his friends. He would protect them at all costs. Even if that meant sacrificing his own desires. Kenshin would never forgive himself if any harm came to them. Maybe it would be best, for all of them, if he left.  
  
That night, Kenshin gathers his few belongings into a small sack. He tidies his room for the last time and shuts the screen door behind him. He moves silently down the moonlit veranda, pausing outside Kaoru's room. Kenshin hesitates for a moment, then slides open the screen door. Kaoru is fast asleep. He gazes at the peaceful figure longingly, lovingly.  
  
**~Chorus:~  
**  
_Everytime I see you falling,  
I get down on my knees and pray.  
_  
He kneels beside her slumbering form, listening to her rhythmic breathing for a long time. A quiet voice breaks the stillness. "Kami-sama, please watch over Kaoru-dono for me," Kenshin whispers.   
  
A lone firefly drifts into the room. It alights on the pillow beside Kaoru, illuminating her face. Taking that as a sign, Kenshin slowly rises to his feet. He walks towards the door, his feet as heavy as lead. Each step requires every bit of willpower he possesses.  
  
_Waiting for the final moment  
_  
Kenshin stops at the door and turns around once more. His eyes trace every line of Kaoru's face, wanting to burn her image into his memory. "Please forgive Sessha," he says softly, his voice catching in his throat.  
  
_You say the words that I can't say.  
_  
Kenshin takes one last look at her. "Aishiteru, Kaoru." Then he shuts the door and walks out of the dojo, his home, into the cold, starless night.  
  
_Everytime I see you falling,  
I get down on my knees and pray;  
Waiting for the final moment,  
You say the words that I can't say_.

~

**glossary:  
**  
hitokiri – literally, manslayer. Kenshin was a (rather famous) assassin for the government.  
  
Rurouni – wandering swordsman. (Technically it's not a real word, though.)  
  
-dono – an honorific, meaning Miss, I think  
  
Kami-sama – God  
  
sessha – Kenshin's way of saying "I", the effect of which is saying "this unworthy one"  
  
aishiteru – I love you


End file.
